I want to bring into the light an aspect of my being which has been drowned into darkness ever since I found myself on this planet.
In the family I come from sexuality was everywhere just because the parents were trying to stifle it at all costs. I could sense it coming out the space between people, their clothes, the inflections of their voices, the eyes. It made it’s way out as if it were a magical, invisible vapor. It got into your nostrils without knowing.
As most people in Moldova at that time, my parents and their parents before, acted as if this force, living just below the belly, did not exist.
The religious dogmas did their share in killing life.
Why wonder now that so many women and men don’t know what they are. Why wonder if women today carry themselves in such disgraceful ways. They are actually trying to deal with this confusion- is sexuality from hell or heaven? How can I be a complete woman if every time I let it out into the world, it is crashed and murdered by brutality and insanity?
Why wonder if now men are squeezed between the macho, the super trained gorillas, the romantic spidery artists , the work and sex machines?
Why wonder if, under this circumstances, the marriages are snapping apart like hot pop corn?
Life is funny. It puts you in the most specific situations when your weakest traits are going to come out and you will have to deal with them. Thinking back now I understand why I got involved in the fashion industry which is dripping with sexuality, creativity, freedom, change, courage. All these traits needed to be addressed in me. I had to experience a world where the body, the material things and the ego’s hunger for fame is at it’s highest insanity levels so that I could make my choice.
Only now, after years passed, can I talk about the pain and the hardship I had to get through so that in the end I could get a hold of my life force. How did I do it without being shattered into million pieces?
Well, the first reason is the obedience rooted deep in my mind by my parents, the fear of loosing their love and my self respect -that is what kept me away from completely dissolving my mind and soul.
When I was little I used to play with dolls. It was the time of barbies and I got as a present these dolls from some family friends. I remember still that when I was alone I used to make two dolls kiss and make love each other. I was just a child not knowing where did this impulse came from or why, but it happened. I wanted loving people around. People who are courageous enough to face their fears and to dance with life. My parents suppressed needs were coming out through me while playing.
The reality was different. Any love scene on TV was boycotted by my mother as if it were the most disgusting thing in the world. Do not look at it, do not touch it, do not acknowledge it. It does not exist.
How can a parents do that to its own self and own children?
A parent does it because she thinks that she has to protect children from all the heart breaks, the disappointments, the loneliness. Because she as a human being was also brought down to her knees by heart break, disappointment and loneliness. And she stayed there.
I did not fool around when I was working in fashion. The second reason why I did not follow the majority is the sense of higher self. I knew that there is more than the body and you better don’t mess around with this creative energy.
My relationship with my mother is not complete because of this initial wound. My mother’s ignorance of the most essential force growing up in me killed joy, happiness, courage, voice, freedom. I understand why did it happen, she missed this aspect of femininity from her mother as well. She did not have the force to crack the pain open and to learn from it. I understand.
There were moments of high tension when my mother was lost in a kind of insanity and intruded, violated through her actions, my most underdeveloped personal and painful aspect. I believe that it came from her personal pain.
The pain which is not lived through always come out. In different forms, disguised or not, it comes out. My sister dealt with this issue in her way- by becoming aloof. She lived in her world.
There were times when I was in visible pain, coming back home from working in far away places. The family did not have the capacity to see it. For my sister the work I was doing was a miracle, a world where she would have liked to be. My parents on the other hand, again, acted as if nothing was wrong.
They waited for me to get back home and become a normal daughter. Coming home exhausted from months and months of fighting for life and staying strong, hoping to find peace, but instead bumping into this wall of aloofness, my parents not wanting to see, to understand, that was suicide.
My mother demanding to know if I was a virgin- that is killing self worth.
My mother forcing her way into the bathroom when I was there not wanting to be seen, that is killing trust.
My mother not telling me what is the fucking menstruation and how to deal with it, that is killing life.
How come am I bringing this up now?
I am bringing this up now because of a conflict with my father. Because of his avoidance to ask concrete, precise questions. As they always did. Why? Because doing so would reveal their own fear in regards to life force, creative force, sexual force.
Now I am keeping my position and will not back down. They must learn to face themselves.
He asked me why don’t I come back to Moldova, he saw some job announcements that might interest me.I told him that Moldova is not the space for me now when I am in such a need for discovery, tranquility and love for life.I told him that I understand that this is not as he wished, but it is the reality. I tried to generate these feeling in Moldova but I could not continue as my physical and mental state was getting worse and worse.
He told me that this is not a real reason. It is an inverted wish (what?!) That he does’t know what the real reason might be. Which got me asking- what the hell is he really saying? I guess that he was alluding to an emotional, romantic reason. Just alluding not asking a proper question because asking a precise question would trigger his own confusion and pain.
As I already informed him, there is no such a reason, I wish there was! My years spent in desperate Moldova were dedicated to consuming all the desperation and loneliness a human soul, at that age, can feel. I know that there were weekends when I could not visit them because I was so exhausted spiritually that I could not make the happy face for them. Even if they don’t say it, they did not want me going home and share my sadness. As always, they could see it, feel it, but did not address it. On the surface they would wonder why aren’t their children vising but inside they did not know how to handle these sad, confused creatures.
Which makes things even shittier.
I preferred for a while to claim my right to be as I want to be and from there to find a way out for all of us.
Out of that Moldova.
But this requires years and years of different experiences. Desperate Moldova is liking your head like a lollipop candy until you loose it. Loose your true wishes, your beliefs and life force.
You even loose your menstruation.
My parents can’t offer substantial financial support. Which is needed if you want to live. That is a reality which I completely understand. I’ve been paying my bills since 19. What I don’t completely get is their desire to keep me there in this miserable state of dis-empowerment and victim-hood, which in desperate Moldova is like thick fog. To a certain degree I can empathy with their pain as patents who are now alone, their two children having left to find their way. They placed their life meaning in us, their children.
But hey, this is extremely selfish and not fare! Your children are not your property to manage as you wish. You feelings of emptiness are yours to understand.
We all come here on Earth to learn love. Parents become parents because they agreed in doing that. Their role is to create, by using their life/sexual force (not the cabbage or some kind of bird ) a channel for us to come in. They are only responsible for guiding us, creating a safe (emotionally and mental) space.
They are not supposed to tell you what to do. I am also not supposed to expect from them to be different. Just love.
That is why I decided to address this issue here.
To let them know that they don’t have to wonder why me and my sister are away. We are not perfect and we grew up. Please grow up too and help us face the grown up problems.
If I would have returned home one day impregnated, my mother would have find a very reasonable way to make the disgusting male pig guilty, not even taking into account that maybe it might have been me, her daughter, who did not know how to say- I want to feel love.I want to give love. Not knowing how to use my life force.
Luckily this did not happen. Luckily I had a present spirit in me and did not treat my sexuality in disrespectful ways.
My parents should not be scared. We are all learning.
They also should not wonder why my sister lost an unborn child.
No wonder why she might face divorce.
No wonder why she left all her entire life and went away.
It is only the pain coming out slowly, slowly…